A few years ago, I broke up with someone in a shitty way
We were kinda dating, not really in a relationship, over a period of three months.
I was really insecure but at the same time, in order to protect myself, I was kinda playing him. He was the first person I ever dated beyond the person I was in an on and off relationship with for seven years. This person was sweet but seemed dangerous and mysterious which were qualities that made me stick around to figure him out. He asked me a lot of questions, and now I realize I talked a lot about myself but I knew very little about him. He was patient, never pushed himself onto my family, but definitely pushed his opinions about wanting to have sex.
When I told him I was getting back with my ex, unfortunately after telling him in one way or another that I wouldn’t hurt him in that kind of way, he sent me a really long message insulting the way I looked. It didn’t sound angry, though I’m sure he was upset (if not angry) and I read it, thinking something like this should surely, as I’m sure he intended it, tear me apart.
At the time I was putting make up on and was disgusted with myself for not being hurt by it. For one, I felt very conceited at the moment…like this person was obviously hurting and I’m more concerned with my looks. something that he was trying to hurt me through. Secondly, if it had hurt me, it would mean that not only his opinion mattered, but he mattered. I read it, wanted to muster up some anger to reply, was a bit peeved that he’d say something so immature, but I never replied. How could I reply to that? I have no right to be upset. I’m the one who called it off.
I don’t remember the specifics of his message, but I do remember that he had a great many things he could have insulted. He could have insulted my weight, which is sensitive topic to me. He could have insulted my crooked teeth, which probably would have burned in my mind forever. He could have demeaned me as a woman, which would have detrimentally hurt my self-esteem. He didn’t though.
Instead, he insulted small details about my face. Little things, things not many people notice unless they’re really looking and really close up. I remember thinking those were such funny things to insult. He had so much else to choose from. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that these were things that he probably adored about me and suddenly they’re something terrible like he’s a broken-hearted Tom Hanson or something. No, I wouldn’t say that. I will say though that before he could insult me about them, he noticed them. He was looking at me with that much focus.
So much so, that when the time came to really pull on things to scar me for life, those were the first things to pop into his head. Nothing else. Nothing else made it into that message. It was weak, and yet it was everything he needed.