+twenty-one hours

I read once that the shape of the hearts that we draw came from what a woman’s backside looks like when she bends over.

Regardless of whether that’s true or not, and pushing past the blatant sexism of the idea….I refuse to believe that. I’ve heard other explanations and none of them really make sense. I refuse to think that this iconic symbol of love came from such vulgar, blunted origins. We, as humans, are far more romantic than that, right?

Have you ever seen two people kiss? Or hold hands? Take a look at the shape of their heads or the palms of their hands when they meet. That’s a heart.

Usually, what people don’t like about other people, they don’t like about themselves.

I’m grateful to be a part of a peer counseling center that urges its members to be more aware of themselves and others and our interactions.

I thought that I was alone. I thought that everyone had found their group and I was finding myself a bit unsatisfied with the people who I “ended up with”, but mainly just one person in particular. I began to become really critical, I started to raise tension where there wasn’t any, unknowingly separating myself from everyone and then despising them for not including me.

I am the only one who could ever limit my freedoms. I don’t ever want to be someone who judges others, who speaks without thinking, who always has a negative comment but never any positive ones and takes constantly from others without giving a part of themselves back. I had hoped this opportunity would make me more empathetic and open, instead I was confining myself to being this pitiful person.

However—if I was to be the person I believe myself to be, well, I’m such an oddball. The awkward kind of oddball that only appeals to a certain kind of person…And you know, that is precisely who I should be around. I’ve gotten so busy, completely consumed in my own life and yet lost the most important parts of me.

The side that cared about other people, so much…I was brave enough to give of myself.

Doing too many things at once makes me want to bang my head against the wall and exploddddddddddddddde.

Three missed interviews in one day.

FML

My mom talks about wanting to be cremated when she dies
And how she wants half to be tossed somewhere off a cliff in Yosemite
The other half in the ocean.

When my mom dies,
My greatest concern will be either a family standing upwind of my mother’s ashes
Or a family splashing in them. 

I have three parts
To my heart
And one is always missing.

I had a sex dream about my roommate.

I’m not quite sure what to make of that because it was completely uncalled for…

Ew.

[This is what I do instead of studying. This is the roughest of rough drafts.]

Shall I be a prestigious pre-law student, positioning myself politically to help the poor and less fortunate, pressing myself into the public sphere so that change can be done?

Shall I be a counselor and convey complete empathy and compassion to children and adolescents faced with growing pains, culture pains, catastrophic emotions and suicidal brains?

Shall I be a journalist conjoining the ends of the earth in one photo, one story marked with  the joy of traveling, jumping from continent to continent in search of cosmic truth?

Shall I be an anthropologist obsessed with myth in literature, marveling in the endless labyrinths of the mind, the maker, the models and modes of living in an unanswerable existential question?

~~~

And what if I was to ask to be a doctor, a physician if I may? Has my time elapsed, those dreams collapsed upon the good nature of my search?

Or perhaps an astronaut? The classes for which I’d never sought, but a girl can imagine, can she not—to wish upon a star?

My reveries and hopes to me forever are a mystery. Who will I be, who can I be? Now that I am aging there’s no guarantee. I’ve yet to find that peace of mind that tells me this is the best degree.

Is this the career I’ve forever pined? Are there no answers or is it a fear of some kind? I’d rather explore than be a bore whose choice is to steer

One way

And stay.

Forever boggled, forever confused and yet I am continuously amused.

The more I learn

The more I try to logically analyze life

And the less I romanticize it

I’m seriously considering finding an Adderall dealer.

Not that I could afford much of it, but hey, if it really is an appetite suppressant I’d actually be saving myself some money purchasing it in place of food.

…Low point.

Camp Adventure in Italy, tour Europe on a stipend, free housing and flight ticket! (June 2012-August 2012)——->Plane ride to India, explore Southeast Asia (August-end of September)——->Quarter Abroad in Australia, explore some islands off the coast (end of September-December)——->Spend a few weeks in South Korea, stay for free in a hotel owned by a friend’s parents, explore China and Japan (beginning of December-Mid-December)

LET’S MAKE IT HAPPEN!